Tonight is one of those nights; but today has been one of those days. Let me tell you exactly where I am going with this. Every day we have ups and downs. Sometimes it is easier to focus on the "downs" because they are right there in our face. But upon reflection, there are so many more "ups" than downs in our days.
My day went something like this. Got up and did my thing. Went to Kohl's for a little retail therapy ( and Christmas shopping.) Then went and saw Dr. Mitsokowa about getting my tooth implant. What a nice man he is. He always treats you like a family member. Even though he is expensive; he is still the best guy in town.
Next I headed across the thriving city of St. George, and went to Ivins to stay with mom. I fixed her lunch and got her electric blanket out for her. She is always freezing, and she was so grateful for that warm blanket. And, by the way...it was a spectacular sandwich. When dad returned, I called Pam and tracked her and the girls down. We met at Wal-mart and I pushed a cart around for her. Shelby was chatting the entire time, and I loved every minute of it! Three year olds can say the most interesting comments.
Then Shelby and I dashed home to get a broiler pan for Pam to use. She is going all out tonight with dinner. I fed Shelby some "mac-a-moni" for lunch, then we loaded up and went to pick up Nate from pre-school. When he saw me and my yellow car he was thrilled. He always yells, "GRANDMA!" It's wonderful. I packed up Nate and Shelby and headed for Pam's house. The kids love to play together. Their favorite thing to play is "dog catcher." I left Pam with three kids, and a nutty dog, and headed back home to tutor my third grade student.
Upon arriving home, I checked in with my health counselor, who is a jewel. Her name is Maria, and she is absolutely wonderful in helping me stay motivated. I scheduled family photos, and a hair appointment. Then I was ready to tutor.
This tutoring is the most amazing thing for me right now. I am able to use my skills and training, and hopefully make a difference in this little girl's life. She did so well tonight, I got misty eyed and had to fight the tears. What a full day. Full of great people, and people I love and care about. Then there are all the people that I am thinking about, and care about. Those friends I love, and family I worry about.
All in all the day was great. I like to stay busy, and I was feeling so pumped up about tutoring. Then I went downstairs to check on my youngest son, and in less than 30 seconds he completely attempted to ruin my day. Mean, rude, and cruel are the words that come to mind. If I did not completely love this kid so much...I wouldn't still let him live here. But herein is my challenge; to reflect back upon the positives of the day, and not let one person define how I feel.
I watched a little of Marie Osmond on Oprah today. My heart ached for her as she told about losing her son to suicide. He was depressed, and held it all inside. So maybe I am blessed that my son acts out, because at least there is some dialogue. You can see I am really reaching to understand him, and keep my own feelings in perspective.
Life is an interesting experience. When I think that I could have missed out on the last ten years of my life...it is very sobering. I am thankful to be alive. I'm blessed to still be here, and have a great family. Yes, we have our problems like everyone else. But we are blessed with so much....especially one another.
So if your day seems to be up and down, take time to reflect and ponder upon the ups, and refuse to let the downs define you. Life is a journey, not a destination...enjoy the ride!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Reflections on Fall
There is nothing quite as beautiful as the leaves of fall. I love to get up in the morning and look at the different colors of trees in our yard. I don't know if you have noticed, but there is also a special and unique smell of fall.
The air is so crisp and clean, it reminds me of being up in the mountains. I miss the sounds of the rustling quaking aspen, and the smell of the pines. However, I do enjoy the leaves when we rake them together and let the grandkids jump in them. That always brings back fond memories to me of being at Grandma and Grandpa's house in Milton. We would play in the leaves until they became wet, and then Grandpa would insist we rake them up for good. But what fun we enjoyed with just leaves...life was so much less complicated then.
The air is so crisp and clean, it reminds me of being up in the mountains. I miss the sounds of the rustling quaking aspen, and the smell of the pines. However, I do enjoy the leaves when we rake them together and let the grandkids jump in them. That always brings back fond memories to me of being at Grandma and Grandpa's house in Milton. We would play in the leaves until they became wet, and then Grandpa would insist we rake them up for good. But what fun we enjoyed with just leaves...life was so much less complicated then.
Monday, September 20, 2010
A Tribute to Tanner Stephenson
With the loss of our grandson this last week,; the question has been raised about when life really begins. Some say life begins when the baby is born and the spirit enters the body. Others believe it is when you begin to feel the baby move inside you. And others like myself, believe that life begins at conception.
However, if you really contemplate this idea, you could say that conception is sparked by a simple kiss, a special look, a yearning of the spirits of two humans to share intimacy. Really, it is the fore=play of a couple that is responsible for the conception. And isn't that fabulous! To think that life is created from love.
I suppose that is why we all loved this baby so much. He only survived 5 months in the womb, but his parents felt him, and watched him move on the sonogram. They listened to his heart beating. His grainy, in womb picture, is all I have of him. Its on my phone. At first I wanted to delete it, but I just couldn't. It would be like denying he had ever lived on this earth.
Losing this baby and pregnancy is something new to our family. We have been blessed to have had normal pregnancies and births. Our grandchildren happy and healthy. They represent life to me ever day of my life. Each morning when I wake up; I am so thankful for another day. To watch my children grow into responsible adults, and my grandchildren into my best friends.
Life is a journey, not a destination. And although through life we come across some hard, and difficult things...if we think of the Atonement,and our love of God, we can get through these things, and merge stronger and more committed. I want to live better so that one day I can meet this grandson and put my arms around him. I know that if I do my part, I will see Tanner again.
He was such a special spirit that maybe God decided he did not have to go through the travels and hardships of life. One day we will know.
So my little Tanner. Tomorrow when we say goodbye, it will only be for a moment in time. We know where you are; in the arms of our Savior. We will try to live our lives to the best of our abilities to honor your name. I love you my precious angel baby.
However, if you really contemplate this idea, you could say that conception is sparked by a simple kiss, a special look, a yearning of the spirits of two humans to share intimacy. Really, it is the fore=play of a couple that is responsible for the conception. And isn't that fabulous! To think that life is created from love.
I suppose that is why we all loved this baby so much. He only survived 5 months in the womb, but his parents felt him, and watched him move on the sonogram. They listened to his heart beating. His grainy, in womb picture, is all I have of him. Its on my phone. At first I wanted to delete it, but I just couldn't. It would be like denying he had ever lived on this earth.
Losing this baby and pregnancy is something new to our family. We have been blessed to have had normal pregnancies and births. Our grandchildren happy and healthy. They represent life to me ever day of my life. Each morning when I wake up; I am so thankful for another day. To watch my children grow into responsible adults, and my grandchildren into my best friends.
Life is a journey, not a destination. And although through life we come across some hard, and difficult things...if we think of the Atonement,and our love of God, we can get through these things, and merge stronger and more committed. I want to live better so that one day I can meet this grandson and put my arms around him. I know that if I do my part, I will see Tanner again.
He was such a special spirit that maybe God decided he did not have to go through the travels and hardships of life. One day we will know.
So my little Tanner. Tomorrow when we say goodbye, it will only be for a moment in time. We know where you are; in the arms of our Savior. We will try to live our lives to the best of our abilities to honor your name. I love you my precious angel baby.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Am I too old to learn?
The other day, after watching hours of GCM and CMT with my parents, I decided I wanted to learn a new skill. I've decided I want to learn how to play the guitar; and no....I do not want to be on CMT or be a "music writer." I just want to strum along to basic songs for the grand kids at camp outs, or holidays.
I announced this plan on Facebook. Big mistake! Now I have to try. My questions to myself is, "Am I too old to learn a new thing like playing the guitar?" Debating this issue finally lead me to Barns and Noble where I purchased a book with a CD. Now I really feel committed. Usually shopping and buying is such a high for me, but this time I knew it would be different. It would mean COMMITMENT!
The young man who rang up my purchase looked at me with a smile, and ask if I was getting it for myself. I wanted to lie and say no, but being like old George...I could not tell a lie. Immediately, upon admitting to this temporary bout of insanity, he started telling me his life history of playing the guitar. He played bass, he played electric, he played for his Spanish Class at PVHS, he played for the little children at the Lutheran church. On and on and on. I was waiting for him to say he had played at Woodstock, but he was too young for that!
I left Barns and Noble with a new sense of determination...I will learn the guitar. Don't expect Blake Shelton, Johnny Cash, or Carrie Underwood. Maybe I'll shoot for ,"Row, Row, Row Your Boat," that sounds right down my guitar strings ...if you know what I mean! If you see me with bloody fingers, you'll know I have went over the top. But I am going to give it a try. I never said I would play the guitar well...just play it!
I announced this plan on Facebook. Big mistake! Now I have to try. My questions to myself is, "Am I too old to learn a new thing like playing the guitar?" Debating this issue finally lead me to Barns and Noble where I purchased a book with a CD. Now I really feel committed. Usually shopping and buying is such a high for me, but this time I knew it would be different. It would mean COMMITMENT!
The young man who rang up my purchase looked at me with a smile, and ask if I was getting it for myself. I wanted to lie and say no, but being like old George...I could not tell a lie. Immediately, upon admitting to this temporary bout of insanity, he started telling me his life history of playing the guitar. He played bass, he played electric, he played for his Spanish Class at PVHS, he played for the little children at the Lutheran church. On and on and on. I was waiting for him to say he had played at Woodstock, but he was too young for that!
I left Barns and Noble with a new sense of determination...I will learn the guitar. Don't expect Blake Shelton, Johnny Cash, or Carrie Underwood. Maybe I'll shoot for ,"Row, Row, Row Your Boat," that sounds right down my guitar strings ...if you know what I mean! If you see me with bloody fingers, you'll know I have went over the top. But I am going to give it a try. I never said I would play the guitar well...just play it!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Observations
Walking in the park the other day, I was amazed to come upon several flocks of little tiny birds. They had bright yellow, or bright red breasts. I'd say they were the size of a twinkie. As I walked quietly by, all of the birds immediately took flight...except one little bird.
Now, although I know I posed no threat to this tiny bird, I was surprised at how long it just stood there and watched me. I stopped and watched it back. I wondered why this one bird would dare to stay behind, when all of the others had taken flight and perched in the branches of the trees for safety?
Later in the day, I watched as two new baby calves raced across the field; ignoring the other cows and fence lines around them. They were having unabashed fun. I'll confess; I envied them for a moment. It must be nice to run and play, and not have responsibilities to fulfill.
When I arrived home after observing these events of nature; I felt compelled to stop and really take a serious look around me. I walked around the yard and really looked at the yard and our home. It brought back fond memories of when we ran and played with our children. There were times of unabashed fun, and silliness. Now our children have grown, we have the blessing of each of our grandchildren near by. They can make me laugh quicker than anything. They can help me enjoy even the boring, mundane things of life.
Yesterday, Shelby walked in our kitchen, and noticed a bowl of figs that Larry had picked and put in a bowl. She hadn't seen figs before, and they reminded her of something more common to a three year old. She looked at the bowl of figs, and asked, "Grandma, are those poops in the bowl?" Sincere as she was; I couldn't helping cracking up.
My grand kids teach me something about life every day. My oldest grandson Matt teaches me compassion, and empathy. He is quick to show affection, and is a very intelligent boy. Emily has taught me to try. She is excited to learn and do new things. Nate is a living lesson plan on how to enjoy the great outdoors...specifically DIRT!
Talia has taught me the value in cracking up over nothing! She brings a smile to my by just walking in the room. Cicily is such an example of kindness. She shepherds those younger than her with love and gentleness. Our little Xander has shown all of us the fun and joy in running. Although I cannot run, I love to watch him take off across the room. He finds sheer delight in the freedom to move.
Shelby has taught me about love and devotion. She compels me to be silly, and to play, play, play. And then comes Kylee. What a sweet, gentle spirit she has about her. When I hold her I feel peace and sweetness that is unique to infants. In February I'll become acquainted with our newest grandchild. I can hardly wait to see what special things she or he can teach us.
So why am I writing about grandchildren, birds, cows, and poops...I really don't know. But maybe you can find a message in this tale, that will inspire you to enjoy life even more fully than you do now. There is always something new to learn, and experience. We need to have the faith and wisdom of a child, and learn to appreciate the simple things of life.
Now, although I know I posed no threat to this tiny bird, I was surprised at how long it just stood there and watched me. I stopped and watched it back. I wondered why this one bird would dare to stay behind, when all of the others had taken flight and perched in the branches of the trees for safety?
Later in the day, I watched as two new baby calves raced across the field; ignoring the other cows and fence lines around them. They were having unabashed fun. I'll confess; I envied them for a moment. It must be nice to run and play, and not have responsibilities to fulfill.
When I arrived home after observing these events of nature; I felt compelled to stop and really take a serious look around me. I walked around the yard and really looked at the yard and our home. It brought back fond memories of when we ran and played with our children. There were times of unabashed fun, and silliness. Now our children have grown, we have the blessing of each of our grandchildren near by. They can make me laugh quicker than anything. They can help me enjoy even the boring, mundane things of life.
Yesterday, Shelby walked in our kitchen, and noticed a bowl of figs that Larry had picked and put in a bowl. She hadn't seen figs before, and they reminded her of something more common to a three year old. She looked at the bowl of figs, and asked, "Grandma, are those poops in the bowl?" Sincere as she was; I couldn't helping cracking up.
My grand kids teach me something about life every day. My oldest grandson Matt teaches me compassion, and empathy. He is quick to show affection, and is a very intelligent boy. Emily has taught me to try. She is excited to learn and do new things. Nate is a living lesson plan on how to enjoy the great outdoors...specifically DIRT!
Talia has taught me the value in cracking up over nothing! She brings a smile to my by just walking in the room. Cicily is such an example of kindness. She shepherds those younger than her with love and gentleness. Our little Xander has shown all of us the fun and joy in running. Although I cannot run, I love to watch him take off across the room. He finds sheer delight in the freedom to move.
Shelby has taught me about love and devotion. She compels me to be silly, and to play, play, play. And then comes Kylee. What a sweet, gentle spirit she has about her. When I hold her I feel peace and sweetness that is unique to infants. In February I'll become acquainted with our newest grandchild. I can hardly wait to see what special things she or he can teach us.
So why am I writing about grandchildren, birds, cows, and poops...I really don't know. But maybe you can find a message in this tale, that will inspire you to enjoy life even more fully than you do now. There is always something new to learn, and experience. We need to have the faith and wisdom of a child, and learn to appreciate the simple things of life.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Grateful for the Journey
Today I was listening to a Carrie Underwood Song that I have listened to many times before. But today, it just hit me right in the heart. I wish I could remember the title of the song, but basically it talks about how our time here on earth, is just a part of our journey.
As I have sat with my mother endless hours over the last eight weeks; I have come to realize just how important this part of our journey is. I've also decided that we don't partake of this life nearly as much as we should. It seems like we are all caught up in just making it through the week, so we can rush through the weekend, and start all over again on Mondays.
There is, and has to be, more to life than just making it to the finish line. It is more about how we get there...it's about the journey. My brother, Mike, blogged about a run he shared with his youngest son, and how wonderful it was to enjoy that journey with him. Several times I've mentioned how I have these ah ha moments with my grandchildren. Feeding fish, looking in the bushes, marveling at a bird's nest...that's the journey.
Now that my journey is most likely half way done; I find myself wishing that I could have a few do-overs. Not a lot mind you...just a few. At the top of my list would would be to spend more time with my children. At the time you are raising them, it seems so difficult to stay on top of everything. But what is most important isn't the stack of laundry, or a messy room crying for attention; it is the time with your children.
It seems like only yesterday that I had four little ones. Now my baby just turned 24, and I've had to accept that I can no longer claim to be 29! I often wonder where all the time went. So parents, enjoy your children. One day they will be adults, and won't need you quite as much as they use to. They too, become caught up in the wheels of life, and before you know it; they are parents too.
Remember the old expression, "take time to smell the roses." I use to roll my eyes when I heard it. But I have come to realize how true it is. Take time to lay on the lawn at night, and point out the stars. Make time for those walks in the park, baking cookies, serving others. Teach your children a silly song, or a nursery rhyme. Create and take those teachable moments, and make them memorable.
I am so grateful for a mother and father who made time to do things with our family. Some of my fondest memories are of going to the Unitah Mountains to camp and fish. Those trips didn't cost a lot of money, but they created valuable memories. Memories of our journey as a family. I hope and pray that I am helping those I love to enjoy the journey. To look for opportunities to love life; so that when we come to the finish line we will have no regrets.
As I have sat with my mother endless hours over the last eight weeks; I have come to realize just how important this part of our journey is. I've also decided that we don't partake of this life nearly as much as we should. It seems like we are all caught up in just making it through the week, so we can rush through the weekend, and start all over again on Mondays.
There is, and has to be, more to life than just making it to the finish line. It is more about how we get there...it's about the journey. My brother, Mike, blogged about a run he shared with his youngest son, and how wonderful it was to enjoy that journey with him. Several times I've mentioned how I have these ah ha moments with my grandchildren. Feeding fish, looking in the bushes, marveling at a bird's nest...that's the journey.
Now that my journey is most likely half way done; I find myself wishing that I could have a few do-overs. Not a lot mind you...just a few. At the top of my list would would be to spend more time with my children. At the time you are raising them, it seems so difficult to stay on top of everything. But what is most important isn't the stack of laundry, or a messy room crying for attention; it is the time with your children.
It seems like only yesterday that I had four little ones. Now my baby just turned 24, and I've had to accept that I can no longer claim to be 29! I often wonder where all the time went. So parents, enjoy your children. One day they will be adults, and won't need you quite as much as they use to. They too, become caught up in the wheels of life, and before you know it; they are parents too.
Remember the old expression, "take time to smell the roses." I use to roll my eyes when I heard it. But I have come to realize how true it is. Take time to lay on the lawn at night, and point out the stars. Make time for those walks in the park, baking cookies, serving others. Teach your children a silly song, or a nursery rhyme. Create and take those teachable moments, and make them memorable.
I am so grateful for a mother and father who made time to do things with our family. Some of my fondest memories are of going to the Unitah Mountains to camp and fish. Those trips didn't cost a lot of money, but they created valuable memories. Memories of our journey as a family. I hope and pray that I am helping those I love to enjoy the journey. To look for opportunities to love life; so that when we come to the finish line we will have no regrets.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Breaking a Heart
Have you ever experienced a broken heart? If you have, you can understand how I am feeling tonight. There are several reasons for my broken heart. Let's begin by listing them.
1. Watching your mother struggle to stay alive, while her body wants to give up...but her spirit doesn't. It is heart wrenching. She can no longer do the simplest things in life: reach with her arms, wiggle her toes, walk with her legs, stand on her feet, or tell you she loves you. She'll never again sit at my dinner table for Sunday Dinner. We'll never go shopping together again. We can't even watch a movie together. She lays in her bed, with her eyes looking far beyond me, and cries, and cries, and cries. I don't know if it is pain, depression or fear that makes her cry. I only know it is breaking my heart piece by piece, and I don't know how to help her...to help me. I know my mom, as I have known her for 54 years, is gone, and I have a different mother to care for and about. So it goes, broken heart number one.
2. I have a nine year old grandson who I love more than life itself. He is a sweet, caring young man. He is perfect in my eyes. But this last year at school, kids began calling him names because his ears stand out a little more than most people. Watching this sweet boy be hurt by names such as Dumbo is the second breaking of my heart. Because of the cruelness of others, he is having ear surgery early in the morning to correct his ears. All this because of the rudeness and stupidity of others. It not only breaks my heart; it brings out the mother bear in me. Let anyone come near this boy with any negativity, and someone will have to hold me back. This part of my heart will mend, but it will also ache for my boy who doesn't deserve to experience pain because of others who are thoughtless.
3.Now I suppose you are thinking, what possibly could be a third heart breaker for this woman of tears. Well, my heart breaks over the loss of a friend. A friend that mattered to me. A friend whose e-mails brightened my day, and gave me courage to move forward. The last e-mail from my friend, seemed a little off. Something is wrong, and I haven't heard anything for a week. Dear friend, my heart aches for you. I hope you are all right. Brighten my heart again. I need your friendship.
4.Could I possibly have another piece of my heart broken? Unfortunately yes. It is broken over what has been lost in my life. It is broken for the health problems that worry me day in and day out. For the friends and loves I have lost. My heart breaks over the loneliness I feel, even in a group of friends or family.
The question is, "How do you mend a broken heart?" This is hard to do when you are in the middle of this. It isn't like you can run over to Wal-mart and buy replacement parts. You can't eat or drink your way out of it, nor do you want to. There is no magic pill that will heal a broken heart. So where does one go, when things are falling apart, (and it isn't just the four things mentioned )
My own answer to this question is, "Go to the peaks, and look back at the valleys." When we do this we can look back at what we learned when things were going better ( at the peaks), and use our knowledge to climb out of the valley where things aren't so good. So for know, I am climbing out of my personal valley, attempting to reach a peak. I know I can do this, even with a broken heart. Because...even though my heart is broken...it is still my heart, and I still care about the happiness of my heart. So off I go to seek the answers to my questions, and if along the way you spot me, wave me on with words of love and encouragement.
1. Watching your mother struggle to stay alive, while her body wants to give up...but her spirit doesn't. It is heart wrenching. She can no longer do the simplest things in life: reach with her arms, wiggle her toes, walk with her legs, stand on her feet, or tell you she loves you. She'll never again sit at my dinner table for Sunday Dinner. We'll never go shopping together again. We can't even watch a movie together. She lays in her bed, with her eyes looking far beyond me, and cries, and cries, and cries. I don't know if it is pain, depression or fear that makes her cry. I only know it is breaking my heart piece by piece, and I don't know how to help her...to help me. I know my mom, as I have known her for 54 years, is gone, and I have a different mother to care for and about. So it goes, broken heart number one.
2. I have a nine year old grandson who I love more than life itself. He is a sweet, caring young man. He is perfect in my eyes. But this last year at school, kids began calling him names because his ears stand out a little more than most people. Watching this sweet boy be hurt by names such as Dumbo is the second breaking of my heart. Because of the cruelness of others, he is having ear surgery early in the morning to correct his ears. All this because of the rudeness and stupidity of others. It not only breaks my heart; it brings out the mother bear in me. Let anyone come near this boy with any negativity, and someone will have to hold me back. This part of my heart will mend, but it will also ache for my boy who doesn't deserve to experience pain because of others who are thoughtless.
3.Now I suppose you are thinking, what possibly could be a third heart breaker for this woman of tears. Well, my heart breaks over the loss of a friend. A friend that mattered to me. A friend whose e-mails brightened my day, and gave me courage to move forward. The last e-mail from my friend, seemed a little off. Something is wrong, and I haven't heard anything for a week. Dear friend, my heart aches for you. I hope you are all right. Brighten my heart again. I need your friendship.
4.Could I possibly have another piece of my heart broken? Unfortunately yes. It is broken over what has been lost in my life. It is broken for the health problems that worry me day in and day out. For the friends and loves I have lost. My heart breaks over the loneliness I feel, even in a group of friends or family.
The question is, "How do you mend a broken heart?" This is hard to do when you are in the middle of this. It isn't like you can run over to Wal-mart and buy replacement parts. You can't eat or drink your way out of it, nor do you want to. There is no magic pill that will heal a broken heart. So where does one go, when things are falling apart, (and it isn't just the four things mentioned )
My own answer to this question is, "Go to the peaks, and look back at the valleys." When we do this we can look back at what we learned when things were going better ( at the peaks), and use our knowledge to climb out of the valley where things aren't so good. So for know, I am climbing out of my personal valley, attempting to reach a peak. I know I can do this, even with a broken heart. Because...even though my heart is broken...it is still my heart, and I still care about the happiness of my heart. So off I go to seek the answers to my questions, and if along the way you spot me, wave me on with words of love and encouragement.
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