Have you ever experienced a broken heart? If you have, you can understand how I am feeling tonight. There are several reasons for my broken heart. Let's begin by listing them.
1. Watching your mother struggle to stay alive, while her body wants to give up...but her spirit doesn't. It is heart wrenching. She can no longer do the simplest things in life: reach with her arms, wiggle her toes, walk with her legs, stand on her feet, or tell you she loves you. She'll never again sit at my dinner table for Sunday Dinner. We'll never go shopping together again. We can't even watch a movie together. She lays in her bed, with her eyes looking far beyond me, and cries, and cries, and cries. I don't know if it is pain, depression or fear that makes her cry. I only know it is breaking my heart piece by piece, and I don't know how to help her...to help me. I know my mom, as I have known her for 54 years, is gone, and I have a different mother to care for and about. So it goes, broken heart number one.
2. I have a nine year old grandson who I love more than life itself. He is a sweet, caring young man. He is perfect in my eyes. But this last year at school, kids began calling him names because his ears stand out a little more than most people. Watching this sweet boy be hurt by names such as Dumbo is the second breaking of my heart. Because of the cruelness of others, he is having ear surgery early in the morning to correct his ears. All this because of the rudeness and stupidity of others. It not only breaks my heart; it brings out the mother bear in me. Let anyone come near this boy with any negativity, and someone will have to hold me back. This part of my heart will mend, but it will also ache for my boy who doesn't deserve to experience pain because of others who are thoughtless.
3.Now I suppose you are thinking, what possibly could be a third heart breaker for this woman of tears. Well, my heart breaks over the loss of a friend. A friend that mattered to me. A friend whose e-mails brightened my day, and gave me courage to move forward. The last e-mail from my friend, seemed a little off. Something is wrong, and I haven't heard anything for a week. Dear friend, my heart aches for you. I hope you are all right. Brighten my heart again. I need your friendship.
4.Could I possibly have another piece of my heart broken? Unfortunately yes. It is broken over what has been lost in my life. It is broken for the health problems that worry me day in and day out. For the friends and loves I have lost. My heart breaks over the loneliness I feel, even in a group of friends or family.
The question is, "How do you mend a broken heart?" This is hard to do when you are in the middle of this. It isn't like you can run over to Wal-mart and buy replacement parts. You can't eat or drink your way out of it, nor do you want to. There is no magic pill that will heal a broken heart. So where does one go, when things are falling apart, (and it isn't just the four things mentioned )
My own answer to this question is, "Go to the peaks, and look back at the valleys." When we do this we can look back at what we learned when things were going better ( at the peaks), and use our knowledge to climb out of the valley where things aren't so good. So for know, I am climbing out of my personal valley, attempting to reach a peak. I know I can do this, even with a broken heart. Because...even though my heart is broken...it is still my heart, and I still care about the happiness of my heart. So off I go to seek the answers to my questions, and if along the way you spot me, wave me on with words of love and encouragement.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Through the Eyes of a Child
I spent a good part of my afternoon today playing with my three year old grand-daughter. It started with watching a little of "Alice in Wonderland," then reading 12 books to her on her bed until I about fell asleep, which then moved to Grandma's House. From there we fed the pigs, (Spotty and Pinky), checked out the chickens and pigeons, man-handled the cat, played on the swing-set, and then came inside for treats and "playing furniture" ( the doll-house.) It was a great afternoon.
Whenever I have these precious moments, I stop and wonder if I was this attentive to my own children. Did I take the time to sit and play? Did I give them enough memories for a lifetime? Was I the mother I wanted to be? I hope I can answer positively that I did. But I do know, that I am a far better person because of these sweet little people called grand-children.
From them I have learned to look at things through the eyes of a child. A lizard in the bushes isn't just that....it's an exciting adventure. Not just to see it, put to "REALLY SEE IT!" Questions come as quickly as falling water. Dripping with the standard why, where, how, and when. Then comes the looking, the examining, the discussion. I find myself seeing a teaching moment in everything that happens during our times together.
Shelby's favorite question is "what cause?" It is so sweet and innocent. She is so excited to learn about her world around her. I take seriously my opportunity to be one of the people she receives her input from. Additionally, it forces me to be continuously aware of my surroundings.
It keeps my "child eyes" open. It gives me an appreciation for the world around me.
The next time you see something for the first time, challenge yourself to really see it. To ask the "what cause" questions. Share your knowledge and questions with those around you, be they young or old. In other words, see life through the eyes of a child, and you will see a marvelous world waiting for you to explore.
Whenever I have these precious moments, I stop and wonder if I was this attentive to my own children. Did I take the time to sit and play? Did I give them enough memories for a lifetime? Was I the mother I wanted to be? I hope I can answer positively that I did. But I do know, that I am a far better person because of these sweet little people called grand-children.
From them I have learned to look at things through the eyes of a child. A lizard in the bushes isn't just that....it's an exciting adventure. Not just to see it, put to "REALLY SEE IT!" Questions come as quickly as falling water. Dripping with the standard why, where, how, and when. Then comes the looking, the examining, the discussion. I find myself seeing a teaching moment in everything that happens during our times together.
Shelby's favorite question is "what cause?" It is so sweet and innocent. She is so excited to learn about her world around her. I take seriously my opportunity to be one of the people she receives her input from. Additionally, it forces me to be continuously aware of my surroundings.
It keeps my "child eyes" open. It gives me an appreciation for the world around me.
The next time you see something for the first time, challenge yourself to really see it. To ask the "what cause" questions. Share your knowledge and questions with those around you, be they young or old. In other words, see life through the eyes of a child, and you will see a marvelous world waiting for you to explore.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Memorial Day Should Be Every Day
Call me a sap, but every Memorial Day I feel such great love for my country, and those who have served to protect us. My father was a Navy man. I love to look at pictures of him in his uniform. I'm remined today of those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for us. We shouldn't have to have a day to remind us. Every day, we should remember those in the Military, and their families.
From the time I was in elementary school, I've cried when the flag passes by. My emotions get the best of me when I see soldiers carrying the flag in a parade, or scouts posting the colors at the Court of Honor. Patriotic songs REALLY get to me. Each year I would teach my fourth graders all of the patriotic songs, and then bawl when they sang them. It reaches somewhere into my soul that I can't explain.
I love my country. It saddens me to see the type of leadership that makes decisions regarding its care. Give me the Constitution anyday.
Thank you to all of you who have served our country. Thank you Dad for instilling in me the love for the flag and the USA. We truly are blessed each day.
From the time I was in elementary school, I've cried when the flag passes by. My emotions get the best of me when I see soldiers carrying the flag in a parade, or scouts posting the colors at the Court of Honor. Patriotic songs REALLY get to me. Each year I would teach my fourth graders all of the patriotic songs, and then bawl when they sang them. It reaches somewhere into my soul that I can't explain.
I love my country. It saddens me to see the type of leadership that makes decisions regarding its care. Give me the Constitution anyday.
Thank you to all of you who have served our country. Thank you Dad for instilling in me the love for the flag and the USA. We truly are blessed each day.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Why do want, what we can't have?
Despite being totally exhausted today, I have wondered why we can't always have what we want? In a perfect world wouldn't it be great to always get what we wanted? I say this, meaning within reason...what you want. For instance, my wish list would include great kidneys, enough money to be able to go where I want, more beautiful grandchildren, and a romantic and caring man.
Now I ask you...does that sound unreasonable? Just once in awhile, I wish one of my dreams could come true. This last month, I did get one of my wishes; a beautiful new grand-daughter. As I held her today, I marveled at how perfect she is, her beautiful complexion, her sweet little lips, her fine baby hair. She is a wish come true.
But back to my personal wishes. I wish there was a way to take your body to a body shop, and get brand new replacements...like tires. In my case, I would pull up, and get a new set of kidneys. That would be awesome! I quess my challenge is to find what I want, in what I have.
Duke Ellington said; "A problem is a chance for you do to your best." That is the secret to facing trials and adversities, and coming out a stronger and better person for it. I just read a book titles, "Peaks and Valleys" by Dr. Spencer Johnson. In it he refers to our low times as valleys, and our better times as peaks. When we are in our valleys, we want to come out of them having grown stronger, and better for the experience. That way, when we reach our peaks, we can appreciate them all the more.
In other words, less time in the valley, and more time on the peak will make us happier. Perhaps then we can look back and see that we really have gotten what we wanted. I once heard someone say that a bend in the road is not the end of the road...unless you fail to make the turn.
I for one, am not about to miss the turn. I've ran off the road a few times, but that isn't going to keep me from moving forward. Yes, there are things I wish I had. Things I wish I could change. But the biggest change I can make is in myself. Remember this, that "every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time." ~Og Mandino
Now I ask you...does that sound unreasonable? Just once in awhile, I wish one of my dreams could come true. This last month, I did get one of my wishes; a beautiful new grand-daughter. As I held her today, I marveled at how perfect she is, her beautiful complexion, her sweet little lips, her fine baby hair. She is a wish come true.
But back to my personal wishes. I wish there was a way to take your body to a body shop, and get brand new replacements...like tires. In my case, I would pull up, and get a new set of kidneys. That would be awesome! I quess my challenge is to find what I want, in what I have.
Duke Ellington said; "A problem is a chance for you do to your best." That is the secret to facing trials and adversities, and coming out a stronger and better person for it. I just read a book titles, "Peaks and Valleys" by Dr. Spencer Johnson. In it he refers to our low times as valleys, and our better times as peaks. When we are in our valleys, we want to come out of them having grown stronger, and better for the experience. That way, when we reach our peaks, we can appreciate them all the more.
In other words, less time in the valley, and more time on the peak will make us happier. Perhaps then we can look back and see that we really have gotten what we wanted. I once heard someone say that a bend in the road is not the end of the road...unless you fail to make the turn.
I for one, am not about to miss the turn. I've ran off the road a few times, but that isn't going to keep me from moving forward. Yes, there are things I wish I had. Things I wish I could change. But the biggest change I can make is in myself. Remember this, that "every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time." ~Og Mandino
Thursday, April 15, 2010
The Value of One
Watching citizens of America, making their voices known, has caused me to reflect upon the value of one. Think of all the things and people in our lives, in which we only have one: one mother, one father, one God, one vote, one constitution, one mind, one moment.
Yesterday I had one of my little grand-daughters for a few hours. Talk about the value of one!
She just turned 3, which will only happen once, and she says and does some of the funniest things...that may only occur once. She is one of those big thinkers, in a little body. It's never enough to just answer, "just because." You have to give her the entire enchilada! We have had conversations around one question that lasted for over half an hour, but I wouldn't trade that moment in time for anything.
We've been planning our 36th year class reunion; another one ...your graduating class. Now that was a time in my life filled with events I'd love to have more of, and ones I'd like to forget. Isn't that how it is with everything? We have to take the bad with the good. Aren't we blessed if we have more good times than bad to remember and look forward to. I've had one marriage. We've had good times, and not so good. But we are still together, and will celebrate our 34th anniversary this year. Where does time go?
One day, one hour, one minute. Are we appreciating the ones in our lives? I recently read an excerpt from , "The 100/0 Principle", by Al Ritter. It explains that the best way to appreciate others, and interact positively with others, is to adopt the 100/0 principle. This means you take full responsibility ( the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing ( the 0) in return. Instead of giving your marriage 50%, and expecting an equal amount back from your spouse, you give 100% freely without judgements, or expectations. This whole principle reminds me of the definition of charity. To quote from the book,
"When you take authentic responsibility for a relationship, more often than not the other person quickly chooses to take responsibility as well. Consequently, the 100/0 relationship transforms into a 100/100 relationship." Get it! Here again, the value of one. If one person makes an effort, it can be the catalyst for others to do the same.
Today and tomorrow, take time to notice all of the "ones" in your life. You'll be amazed...I was.
Yesterday I had one of my little grand-daughters for a few hours. Talk about the value of one!
She just turned 3, which will only happen once, and she says and does some of the funniest things...that may only occur once. She is one of those big thinkers, in a little body. It's never enough to just answer, "just because." You have to give her the entire enchilada! We have had conversations around one question that lasted for over half an hour, but I wouldn't trade that moment in time for anything.
We've been planning our 36th year class reunion; another one ...your graduating class. Now that was a time in my life filled with events I'd love to have more of, and ones I'd like to forget. Isn't that how it is with everything? We have to take the bad with the good. Aren't we blessed if we have more good times than bad to remember and look forward to. I've had one marriage. We've had good times, and not so good. But we are still together, and will celebrate our 34th anniversary this year. Where does time go?
One day, one hour, one minute. Are we appreciating the ones in our lives? I recently read an excerpt from , "The 100/0 Principle", by Al Ritter. It explains that the best way to appreciate others, and interact positively with others, is to adopt the 100/0 principle. This means you take full responsibility ( the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing ( the 0) in return. Instead of giving your marriage 50%, and expecting an equal amount back from your spouse, you give 100% freely without judgements, or expectations. This whole principle reminds me of the definition of charity. To quote from the book,
"When you take authentic responsibility for a relationship, more often than not the other person quickly chooses to take responsibility as well. Consequently, the 100/0 relationship transforms into a 100/100 relationship." Get it! Here again, the value of one. If one person makes an effort, it can be the catalyst for others to do the same.
Today and tomorrow, take time to notice all of the "ones" in your life. You'll be amazed...I was.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Living for Another Day
The other day I was sitting in the doctors office surrounded by four senior citizens. I would guess they were all over seventy years old. They were complaining back and forth to one another about how busy they are, needing to plant their garden, and their volunteer work. As they complained on and on; I wanted to stand up and tell them just how lucky they are. I wanted to say, "Do you realize what my mother would give to be able to be busy instead of home bound and handicapped?" Too often we take life for granted. I am grateful for every day I wake up in the morning and have a new day. Perhaps, having almost died twice, and living with kidney disease, has made me extra sensitive to this issue. Every new day is a day I can be with my family, talk to the ones I love, enjoy my home and surroundings, and live as good of an example as I can be. I remember waking up in the hospital three years ago, and wondering what had happened to me. The day before I had been at the gym, cooked dinner, and went about my daily chores. Now here I was. In a hospital , and completely and utterly sick. I have never been so afraid that I wouldn't see my family and home again. Mark would come in almost every day and tell me, "Mom, you have to hang in there so you can meet Shelby." (She was born exactly a month later.) The thought of not being able to see my new grand baby was heartbreaking, but motivating to me. I tried very hard to get well. When Larry drove me home after my hospital stay, I was shaking like a leaf. The minute I saw our home come into view I just lost it. I hadn't known if I would see my home again; and I was overwhelmed with thankfulness and gratitude to my Heavenly Father for allowing me to have another day. So when we feel overwhelmed or frustrated, let's all take a minute and be grateful that we are here for those moments...another day.
Thoughts About Spring
I love Spring! It is the time of year that everything seems new. The flowers are peeking their heads out of the wet soil, trees are beginning to bud and leaf, and there are new baby animals everywhere. Watching baby lambs are my favorite. As soon as their little legs can carry them; they are running and jumping around the pasture like a bunch of little boys. Hearing the birds chrip the in the morning, and watching our two turtles sun themselves by the pond, just makes me feel better about this world. Maybe we all need to renew ourselves in the Spring. Recommit ourselves to what is important, enjoy the blessings of where we live, and express gratitude for our many blessings. I think it's also a time to be like the turtles....come up out of the water ( or whatever is holding you back,) and warm ourselves under the glow of the sun. Oh what a life that could be.
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